Hello Again!

Can I tell you that I'm downright embarrassed by how long it's been since I posted? I didn't realize it had been so long...

But to be honest, there hasn't been much going on over here. Christmas happened, and with it a very minimal amount of gift-sewing. Knitting is happening, which to be honest, makes it very hard to get off the couch. It's just so very comfy...

Also, there is the Christmas/New Year funk that happened (is still happening?). Holidays have been pretty rough since my Mom died, and this year we're without my grandmother too. It doesn't put one much in the mood to be creative. Or to do anything, really. I haven't even turned on my machine in about two weeks. It's just sad.

BUT. I did manage to finish my Canberra cowl, and have cast on another scarf and my first sock. First time knitting in the round AND first time using double pointed needles. I'll let you know how it goes!

(Pardon my crappy iPhone pics. Santa did NOT bring me a real camera...)

I'm going to be doing my WIP/Goals post here soon, so keep on the lookout for that.

I don't think I'm going to do a wrap-up post for 2013. I was not a fan. It was better than 2012, but just barely. (Looking back on that post, it seems that the funk I'm in right now is exactly what happened last year. Even posting on the same day!)

Here's to me getting my sewing mojo back!

An Update

I just wanted to let you guys know why I've been MIA... you remember the quilt I made for my grandmother, Georgia On My Mind?

Well, exactly one week after giving it to her, she passed away. This has been a pretty tough time for me, she and I were very close, and I'm even named after her. Since my Mom's passing last year, my grandmother had been fulfilling some of those 'maternal' voids for me. Having another loss so soon after losing my Mom has been really hard. It sucks, really. Your prayers are appreciated.

BUT. Sewing is my coping mechanism, and I've been doing some of that. I've started a new quilt out of my long-hoarded stash of Luxe in Bloom, so I'll share some of that later this week.

Big Finish

You might remember this teaser from what seems like a looooong time ago. I started this wall quilt several months ago, and i actually finished the top quite a while ago. I wanted to have it finished before sharing it, because its pretty meaningful. It was a cathartic exercise for me, and it was important for me to get it finished, especially this week.

It's called Tears, and its about grief, and the spectrum of emotions that go with it. I made the blue strips in varying colors and widths, some are deep and dark, and some are bright. I free motion quilted it with trails of tears of various scale. I also put a little sliver of hope into the binding.

I hate that orange wall. Maybe one day I'll change it.

One year

Sunday marked one year since my Mom passed. It goes without saying that its been a rough year. It seems to have gone by so fast, but at the same time my entire world has changed so dramatically that it seems like forever ago that I knew any other way to live. Every day there is something I want to tell her - I even still have a reflex to pick up the phone and call her sometimes.

I'm still angry and broken and know that I'll never be truly whole again. I know that for the rest of my life there is going to be a giant gaping hole in every big event, every family get together, every picture. It hurts a little bit every time i hear people talk about how their moms were at their weddings, and helped them with their babies, and even when people talk about fighting with their moms.

But I also I know that everything happens for a reason - even though I don't have to like it or understand it. I know that Mom is happy and whole and watching us every day. I know that just because she isn't right here anymore, it doesn't change the reality of her presence. It's amazing how that works sometimes - when I've had a bad day and need her the most, or when I just miss her a little more acutely, a song she loved would come on the radio, or I'll flip a page in a magazine and see her favorite flowers. She's not here, but she'll never be gone.

Unfortunately, knowing that doesn't necessarily make it easier. Maybe it will one day, but for now, my family and I have to be content with taking the good days as they come and trying to see the bad days as reminders of how much we love her, and how lucky we were to have the time we had together.

Good Riddance 2012

So I know I'm a little late with the new year post, but I've been a little slow on the uptake with everything lately...

Anyway, I've been in a little bit of a funk the last couple of weeks, and I haven't actually sewn anything in a while. The holidays were pretty tough to take this year. This was the first Christmas since my Mom died, and the whole family was feeling her absence very acutely. My family is pretty close, and it was definitely a blessing that we were all able to be together to support each other, but there was (and is) definitely a gaping hole in all of our lives.

2012 was definitely the worst year of my life. I feel like I've been on auto-pilot for months... You know when you're driving sometimes and all of a sudden you realize you're two blocks from home and don't remember how you got there? That's how 2012 was for me. I look around and see friends who have had babies and changed jobs and bought houses, and it makes me realize how much time has passed since I've been "checked out" of life.

I want 2013 to be different. I want to wake up and live more intentionally. I'm looking forward to more good days than bad, and reconnecting with what is going on around me.

I want to grow into the "new normal", and I want to be able to revel in the memories of my Mom without being thrown into a tailspin.

And it wouldn't hurt if I spent some time in the sewing room... ;-)

Finally Feeling at Home

I've lived in my house for almost 11 months. It's taken a long time for me to feel like it's really mine, to feel comfortable here. That is because my mom was diagnosed 4 days after I closed, so I never got that "honeymoon" period with the house. In fact, I was pretty resentful for a long time that I was "stuck" here, and  didn't have the freedom to leave Richmond.

This house reminds me of Mom being sick, of our last family Christmas party where she had started to lose her hair and her voice.

It reminds me of coming back after she had died, to get clothes for the funeral, and sitting on the couch with the lights off, feeling desperately alone.

It reminds me of everything I won't have a chance to tell her, or ask her, or share with her.

While she was sick, and for a long time after she died, I went home (to my family's house) every chance I could, every day off from work. The last couple months I've actually started really spending time here. About a week ago, for the first time in forever it seems, it hit me that this is MY house, and it's a great house, and I was excited about it being my place.

I'm taking some vacation from work this week, and I decided that instead of going to the beach or whatever, I was going to stay HOME. In Richmond. And feel at home here. I'm actually in the process of painting my bedroom, which was supposed to happen within the first week I lived here. I'm taking ownership of my home, and making it mine.

So anyway, here are the before pictures!

As you can see, the color is awful. I'm surprised it hasn't driven me crazy yet, but I guess I've been distracted by bigger issues. Also, one day I will have real furniture. The bedside tables are the only furniture in the room that weren't free! Also, the curtains don't match and desperately need to be hemmed. At least I hung them in the first place! Those and the blinds are really all I've done to this room since I've moved in.

It's been a while...

So clearly, it's been a while since I've been here. It's a long story, but I'll give you the abridged version:

Four days after I closed on my house, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Needless to say, settling in and enjoying the house were the absolutely last priority for me. I even had some regrets about being "stuck" in Richmond. But I believe (or try to believe) that everything happens for a reason, and that the timing of my closing and my mom's diagnosis was meant to make sure that I stayed in RVA, instead of quitting my job and moving home as a gut reaction.

Less than three months later, my mom passed away rather suddenly. It's been a really hard year, needless to say. Some days are better than others, of course, but for a long time there it was a good day if I got out of bed.

I'm just now getting to that point where I am getting to be more functional. I've set up the sewing room, and I've started quilting again. I've actually finished several projects in the last week or so.

It's been the longest (and shortest) seven months of my life, and I know it will get easier one day, but I'll always feel like the biggest part of my life is missing.