One year

Sunday marked one year since my Mom passed. It goes without saying that its been a rough year. It seems to have gone by so fast, but at the same time my entire world has changed so dramatically that it seems like forever ago that I knew any other way to live. Every day there is something I want to tell her - I even still have a reflex to pick up the phone and call her sometimes.

I'm still angry and broken and know that I'll never be truly whole again. I know that for the rest of my life there is going to be a giant gaping hole in every big event, every family get together, every picture. It hurts a little bit every time i hear people talk about how their moms were at their weddings, and helped them with their babies, and even when people talk about fighting with their moms.

But I also I know that everything happens for a reason - even though I don't have to like it or understand it. I know that Mom is happy and whole and watching us every day. I know that just because she isn't right here anymore, it doesn't change the reality of her presence. It's amazing how that works sometimes - when I've had a bad day and need her the most, or when I just miss her a little more acutely, a song she loved would come on the radio, or I'll flip a page in a magazine and see her favorite flowers. She's not here, but she'll never be gone.

Unfortunately, knowing that doesn't necessarily make it easier. Maybe it will one day, but for now, my family and I have to be content with taking the good days as they come and trying to see the bad days as reminders of how much we love her, and how lucky we were to have the time we had together.